Saturday, February 15, 2014

You're a woman in college? Your primary goal is to find a husband


Photo courtesy of graur razvan ionut/freedigitalphotos.net

The frack.
Yesterday, I ran across this little gem of an article (I'll admit the link was on Facebook - sigh) and it made me all kinds of mad. Like, I can feel the rage boiling under my skin mad. Rather than give you the link (this woman doesn't need the hits), I've copied and pasted the article below. Take a minute to read this and I'll meet you on the other side. 
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Susan Patton: A Little Valentine's Day Straight Talk
Young women in college need to smarten up and start husband-hunting.
Another Valentine's Day. Another night spent ordering in sushi for one and mooning over "Downton Abbey" reruns. Smarten up, ladies. Despite all of the focus on professional advancement, for most of you the cornerstone of your future happiness will be the man you marry. But chances are that you haven't been investing nearly as much energy in planning for your personal happiness as you are planning for your next promotion at work. What are you waiting for? You're not getting any younger, but the competition for the men you'd be interested in marrying most definitely is. Think about it: If you spend the first 10 years out of college focused entirely on building your career, when you finally get around to looking for a husband you'll be in your 30s, competing with women in their 20s. That's not a competition in which you're likely to fare well. If you want to have children, your biological clock will be ticking loud enough to ward off any potential suitors. Don't let it get to that point. You should be spending far more time planning for your husband than for your career—and you should start doing so much sooner than you think. This is especially the case if you are a woman with exceptionally good academic credentials, aiming for corporate stardom.

An extraordinary education is the greatest gift you can give yourself. But if you are a young woman who has had that blessing, the task of finding a life partner who shares your intellectual curiosity and potential for success is difficult. Those men who are as well-educated as you are often interested in younger, less challenging women. Could you marry a man who isn't your intellectual or professional equal? Sure. But the likelihood is that it will be frustrating to be with someone who just can't keep up with you or your friends. When the conversation turns to Jean Cocteau or Henrik Ibsen, the Bayeux Tapestry or Noam Chomsky, you won't find that glazed look that comes over his face at all appealing. And if you start to earn more than he does? Forget about it. Very few men have egos that can endure what they will see as a form of emasculation.
So what's a smart girl to do? Start looking early and stop wasting time dating men who aren't good for you: bad boys, crazy guys and married men. College is the best place to look for your mate. It is an environment teeming with like-minded, age-appropriate single men with whom you already share many things. You will never again have this concentration of exceptional men to choose from. When you find a good man, take it slow. Casual sex is irresistible to men, but the smart move is not to give it away. If you offer intimacy without commitment, the incentive to commit is eliminated. The grandmotherly message of yesterday is still true today: Men won't buy the cow if the milk is free.
Can you meet brilliant, marriageable men after college? Yes, but just not that many of them. Once you're living off campus and in the real world, you'll be stunned by how smart the men are not. You'll no doubt meet some eligible guys in your workplace, but it's hazardous to get romantically involved with co-workers. You may not be ready for marriage in your early 20s (or maybe you are), but keep in touch with the men that you meet in college, especially the super smart ones. They'll probably do very well for themselves, and their desirability will only increase after graduation. Not all women want marriage or motherhood, but if you do, you have to start listening to your gut and avoid falling for the P.C. feminist line that has misled so many young women for years. There is nothing incongruous about educated, ambitious women wanting to be wives and mothers. Don't let anyone tell you that these traditional roles are retrograde; they are perfectly natural and even wonderful. And if you fail to identify "the one" while you're in college, don't worry—there's always graduate school.
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Are we on the same irate page now? This woman makes me sick. Just another example of how women are bringing down other women. And this isn't a joke. She wrote a book. A book! You know, I probably don't need to break this down at all, but I'm going to do it anyway. Not because you need me to point out her dumbassery (can I make up words if it's my blog?), but because I need to vent my frustrations and there's no better place than to do it here.

First, let's get some housekeeping out of the way. To those of you that met your spouse in college, please do not be offended by the following remarks. This is in no way, shape or form directed at you. I think it's great that you found your soul mate in college because now you have more time to spend with each other. This is about those of us who didn't meet our spouses in college and how it's not a big deal.
Second, I have to agree with Susan on a few points. I know, I know. It pains me to admit that she's not completely crazy. One, a college education IS one of the best gifts you can give to yourself. Fact. Two, college probably is one of the highest concentrations of single, like-minded individuals. My sister and I talk about this all the time. It's difficult to meet nice, ambitious men that you're attracted to once you start working in the "real" world. This is why so many online dating sites have taken off (note: my sorority sister met her husband through an online dating site and they are ridiculously happy). And three, there's absolutely nothing wrong with ambitious, career-driven women wanting to be wives and mothers. Oh wait and one more - don't date married men. 
And....that's it.
I have issues with everything else coming out of this woman's mouth (fingers). 
The biggest issue? The point of college is not to find a husband. The point is to find yourself. It's an opportunity to learn more about who you want to be as a person, to learn to live on your own and somewhere in there find time to get an education. If you find a spouse along the way, good for you. If not, it's hardly the end of your romantic life. "Spend more time planning for your husband than your career" - is she serious?
Finding a husband was the absolute last thing I had on my mind when I was in college. And when I graduated, I threw myself into work because I wanted to have a career. You know when I met my husband? Three years after I graduated from college. Do you know where I met him? In Germany. Why was I in Germany? Because of my job. Right, so really it was my career ambition that led to a husband. Imagine that.
One of the other things that really rubbed me the wrong way is how she tells young women bettering themselves that they're ruining their chances of finding a husband. She says if you waste time on your career, sure you'll be intelligent, have money and know interesting people, but of course, you'll never have an adequate husband. Say what now? This is one of the dumbest things I've read in awhile (and that's saying something because I read celebrity gossip on the regular). "Don't worry honey, if you play your cards right (don't get too smart, make too much money, stay young and fertile but don't ask for kids), you'll land a man." Yeah. I'm sure he'll be stellar. Why not encourage young women to shoot for the stars? No doubt they'll find a partner along the way that can be their equal. 
As far as emasculation goes, I'm not sure if she's stepped outside lately but there are men who stay at home and raise the kids while the woman goes back to work. And with the economy the way it is, I'm sure most men would be glad their girlfriend/wife/fiancee had a steady paying job and it'd be a bonus if they were making more money than them. And that little tidbit about Noam Chomsky? I have a degree and I couldn't hold a conversation about him. I don't even know who he is (don't judge me). Does that make me dumb or is she pretentious? 
Oh and I love how she tells women to keep up with the "super smart ones" from college because their desirability is going to go up. Gold digger, much?
Anyway, I could go on and on, but what's the point? I think we can all agree that teaching young women to get their MRS degree is a waste of time. I'd rather tell them to experience life, learn to live alone so they don't become dependent on someone and travel every chance they get. If you want to get married, it will happen when it's the right time. Don't settle for the last boyfriend you had in college because once you graduate you're out of options. Please. Your life is just beginning. 
Cheers,
Jen
PS - One more thing. All too often, women find themselves analyzing every aspect of their relationship wondering if they're good enough. Why hasn't he called - aren't I good enough? Why won't he commit - aren't I good enough? Why won't he propose - aren't I good enough? To this I say, buck up and change your thinking. Instead of wondering what's "wrong with you" start asking yourself if the person you're with deserves you. Is he/she good enough for you? If not, cut your losses and move on. There's someone out there for you. Don't settle! A lifetime is way too long to be mildly happy when you could be ecstatic. 

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