Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Dead computer, celebrity gossip and a lot of rambling...

Photo courtesy of dan at
My computer died. And with it, my hopes and dreams. No, really. My computer is “vintage” at six years old and they couldn’t fix it or recover the files without corrupting them. Or something like that. All I know is that my writing project is gone. Poof. Vanished. Finito (is that Italian?). 

I’m assuming it was some sort of sign that maybe my project kind of sucked and needed a rewrite. In my defense, I don’t think it sucked quite that bad. Slashing off a few pages was expected. Making the cut at page two was brutal. 

Ugh, why did I put my faith in the cloud? Why didn’t I back up my project on the external hard drive? Why are we out of chocolate?

The struggle is real, friends. 

But you know what makes me feel better when I’m down? Celebrity gossip. Not in a “my life is better than yours” kind of way or a “stars - just like us!” kind of way. More like an opportunity to distance myself from my current problems. 

Or my kid is napping and I keep making up excuses not to work out (it’s usually that one). 

There are a couple of gossip blogs that I follow consistently. Do you think they’re hiring? I think it would be a nice change of pace to write about celebrities having babies/getting divorced/banging the nanny. Like what kind of qualifications do you need to write for them? I read Bop as a preteen and like to think that makes me qualified in the heartthrob department. Although, I think JTT has since been replaced with the kids from One Direction. Side note - why won’t that guy cut his hair? Can we start a petition? 

I could totally cover royal gossip because I’m American and have an unhealthy obsession with them. A friend of mine is British and when we met I excitedly told her about my love for the royals and she basically pat me on the head and said that’s nice. They don’t particularly care about them one way or the other, until it comes to money (everyone hates taxes - fact). 

But I guess it’s quid pro quo (am I using this phrase correctly? I’m 90 percent sure I am…) because when I lived in Germany they got very excited about President Obama and I was all “meh.” I think our political system is most exciting during election years and then someone gets into office and it’s like digging a trench - backbreaking work with little reward. Also, Donald Trump is running this year and that guy is a freaking circus all by himself. Like, really, is this the best we can do, America? 

And now I’m feeling a little sad about my lost project and the state of our government.

A government partially run by celebrities (did you like that segue - it was pretty good, right?). Think about Ah-nold in California. What were his qualifications you ask? I’m pretty sure it was that he was famous. Who wouldn’t want that kind of power? I mean, celebrities are paid to endorse products because companies know it ups their brand recognition and power to sell. 

And it’s sooooo easy. Sure, Jennifer Aniston probably calls the paparazzi once in awhile so they can get a “candid shot” of her drinking Smart Water, but how much of a return is she getting on that deal? I’d be willing to bet it’s more than free products. 

Seriously, if I could endorse something and get paid I totally would. I don’t even have to like it. For example, I haven’t had tequila shots in a long time (one bad night will ruin liquor for you forever - take note, young people). But if George Clooney was like hey Jen, we need you to shill our Casamigos Tequila and we’ll pay you handsomely, I’d start washing my shot glasses. 

Just kidding. 

I’d do it for a t-shirt and two bottles of their finest  regular tequila. George, call my people. And by my people, I mean Facebook me. I am my people. On second thought, I use a slightly false name. OK, I’ll Facebook you. Or call your people. You have people, right? Or maybe I’ll just swing by your house?

And this, my friends, is how easy it is to go from working for George Clooney to stalking George Clooney (“you don’t work for him,” - you “.....” - me). 

Not to mention, celebrity gossip is great for idle chatter. We live about an hour to an hour and a half away from the city so there are a handful of things we talk about in the car. 

  1. Career Talk - i.e. when can we move, where will we move, can we make sure there’s a Chick-fil-A within five miles of the house. 
  1. Lottery Winnings - i.e. let’s buy a house, some land, chickens and expensive, but well-made shoes and handbags.
  1. Weather - i.e. are those storm clouds? I think they’re storm clouds. 
  1. Celebrity gossip - i.e. hey, you know this song on the radio? It’s about this other musician. No, really. About their one-night stand. No, he has a tiger tattoo on his chest. Yes, like the animal. Yes, all over. No, I can’t prove it’s about them. Who says so? Only everyone. 

So you see, a good 25 percent of our idle chatter is about celebrity gossip which is often sparked by something we hear on the radio. I think this is the only time my husband will engage in celebrity gossip. If we’re at home and I mention something like the Beyonce, Jay-Z, Solange elevator fight he doesn’t care. Um, I’m pretty sure Good Morning America covered that in their NEWS program. Everyone cares, Nate. Everyone. 

In conclusion (I have no idea where this is going), everyone should read some celebrity gossip (and pay me to write about it). Even if you get it from GMA every morning, at least you know what everyone’s talking about. Also, save your documents somewhere other than your hard drive. And if you don’t know how to do it, find a computer genius to help you. You can trade pop culture news for tech information. Quid pro quo. 

OK, now I’m only 75 percent sure I’m using that phrase correctly.